who i am hates who i've been...

i am faced by a lot of dilemmas, hatred, confusion and fear.

i don't really know how to act on things. things are different now. i have gone through what i did in the past and realized that i was really really really (what?)... dunno.. i can't seem to find a word that would hit the bulls eye. i love my life. i did a lot of mistakes and i am not proud of them. i mean, mistakes are healthy for we learn a lot from it, but mine was terrible. there are times when i wish that they would all disappear from this planet and that they never existed. i am hopeless, i could say. but i am trying so hard to make things better. (at least) i am trying to be a strong girl. and i will be. i will not fail myself ones more.

what now? i hate some people. yes. i don't know why. but i can't seem to forgive easily. i do not hold grudges that easily. i can take jokes. but when someone really gets into the inner me, i couldn't seem to get them out of my being. yes, i can really be mean if i want to and if you really deserve it. beware for i do not easily forget people who ruins my fortress.

i can do nasty, stupid, spontaneous and crazy things. yes. just being real. i am tired of always pretending to be nice. i can be, but not always. i love myself, friends and family. so don't you ever hurt any of them for i will break every bone you have and i will make sure that the world will close its curtain on you.

2:18am

yes, it's actually early in the morning and i am still online. i can hardly sleep so i decided to make paper works, update my blog, read a novel (the book was with me for 3weeks now, yet i am still on the 13th page), and stare at the monitor for a few minutes and then go back from the very beginning.

things have been very hectic and very confusing for the past 2weeks. overload. i still have to direct our drama in literature, lead a bunch of students for the PE day, make concept papers for the rocked concert and leadrship training, schedule things, busying myself for the student's summit, FYSEC organization, being a First Year Representative and a STUDENT as well. see? that made me look so mature than my age. i hardly have time for myself. i am actually enjoying being busy, but my academic grades are at stake. they are not actually very low, but i have my own goal in the future wherein i need to be always on top of everything. but then, my situation right now is not allowing me to.

i am actually learning a lot from this very experience of mine. i got to be socially aware, manage my time efficiently, value my education even more and having compassion to people and to everything i do. i have learned to speak up and be a real member of the society.

there are still a lot of things that i don't understand, but then experience will be my mentor as i go on with life.

17 :)

i did another sinful thing.

i spoiled myself and ate a lot. A LOT.

i had a dose of chocolate barSS, 2 cones of ube-mango-choocolate trio ice cream, 3 cones of caramel butterscotch, the super delicious sizzling pusit (my all-time favorite!) and lechon manok. well, i don't really need to be guilty cause it's the most beautiful day in the whole year. ^-^

i had my mom buy me all those. hahaha.

facts..

yeah, yeah.. so here it goes.. me, myself and i. the revelation. dandan! boogsh!
i was thinking of revealing more of myself to you mr. stranger. why? i don't know. ^-^

• this might sound very strange, but i love it when i am all alone in my room. don't think of something very nasty or ridiculous, okay? well, being alone in a place makes me feel safe. safe from the eyes of the people around me, safe from ghosts that might be lurking outside, safe from the noise that makes me feel disturbed. also, i can do a lot of essential things when i am with no one. for example, i can be really studious when left alone. i can manage to clean up my room if there is no other human person around.

• i have a stuffed toy named Eugene and we've been together for as long as i could remember. i super love him. he isn't the type you could see on bearhugs and all those fancy bears. he is super shaggy, got big ears, black eyes (without pupil), big nose, big paws and fat body. see, he ain't so majestic but i super love him. ^-^ by the way, i got his name from a character in ghost fighter. it was my favorite show back then. ^-^

• i love cats. ^-^ super adore them.

• take any material thing from me, but my phone. i am super attached to my phone. i don't text a lot, but 2 years is enough for me not to let go of my phone. ^-^ secrets and lies are embedded on it.

• i was very vulnerable when i was a little girl. i always get sick and meet accidents every now and then. i fell from the stairs, got 4 teeth pulled out of my mouth at the same time, got into troubles, boxed with a boy older than me, got my pinky finger so bloody from accidentally pulling a knife, harshly bitten by a ferocious, ugly dog, and a lot more. ^-^

• i never played with dolls. i am terrified by the very sight of them. It makes me remember of that horrifying character from the movie Child's play. I think of them as creatures from hell. Pretending to be very cuddly but then they would grab a knife and stab you to death. I wish i could burn all dolls on earth.

• i'm a papa's girl. he was my playmate, because i don't like playing with girls with all their dolls. we played with transformers, super mario and other boyish stuff. that's why i grew up having traits from my papa. he taught me everything about people, how to live, how to survive, how to be strong and how to be stone cold.

isang gabing lumilipad ang aking isipan...

Isang araw ay naisipan kong magbasa ng isang librong hindi ako tuturuan ng anumang scientific equations, calculus, meiosis, cell tissue, prokaryotes, protistans, parenchyma, collenchyma, sclerenchyma, algebra, postulates, diskors, pangungusap, komunikasyon, midyum ng komunikasyon, chronemics, proxemics, kinesics, hoptics, iconics, paralanguage, proxemic distance, tsanel ng mensahe at kung anu-ano pang nakalilitong babasahin.

Sa madaling salita, isang librong walang kabuluhan.

Naisip ko tuloy bumili ng nobelang ukol sa romansa. Yung tipong ang front cover ay mga machong lalake na kung saan nakakapit naman ang isang seksi at magandang babae. Ganito kasi ang madalas na kwento.. ang babae ay isang damsel in distress. Kumbaga api-apihan. Tapos biglang darating ang prinsipe na magliligtas sa kanya. Mag-aaway ng konti ngunit kasalan rin naman ang wakas. Parang fairytale.

Ngunit naisip kong di naman ako tulad nun, at lalong di ako api-apihan (subukan nyo lang at madali mong makikilala si kamatayan!). Isa pa, ang buhay ay hindi isang fairytale, kaya't naisipan kong wag ng bumili.

Napagdesisyunan ko na lamang na umuwi at tuluyan ko ng nilanghap ang maruming hangin mula sa mall. Siguro ay magkakaroon ako ng sakit sa baga nito. Sa kasamaang palad, iniwan ako ng nanay at tatay ko kung kaya't mag-isa na lamang akong umuwi. Binagtas ko ang kahabaan ng "kalye ewan". Tiniis ko ang pagod sa ngalan ng pagpapapayat.

Sa wakas ay nakarating na rin ako sa aming munting bahay. Dahan dahan akong pumasok sa kwarto ko sa takot na makita ko si Kokey na natutulog sa kama ko! Madilim. Dinama ko ang switch at bumulag sa akin ang liwanag. Bumulaga sa akin ang mga libro, notbuk, damit, papel, tsinelas, kumot, unan at bag na nakalagay kung saan-saan. Dumalaw ba ang bagyong si Katrina dito? Naging bahagi ba ng Indonesia ang kwarto ko at lumindol dito kanina? O di kaya'y niluoban ako ng magnanakaw? Bigla kong tinakbo ang aking cabinet. Laking tuwa ko nang makita ko ang matabang baboy na naroroon pa rin.

Di ko na inintindi kung tsunami, hurricane, typhoon, hailstorm o earthquake ang tumama sa aking silid. Inihiga ko na lamang ang aking katawan upang makapag isip ng maayos.

Totoo nga kayang guilty si Erap? O di naman kaya'y may kagagawan si GMA dito. kapag not guilty si Erap, maaaring maging walang silbi ang pamumuno ni GMA. Babalik si Erap bilang presidente ng Pilipinas at wala ng pagkakataong maghari si GMA sa kalunos-lunos na bayang ito. Hindi ako maka-Erap ngunit bigla na lamang itong sumagi sa aking isip. hmmmm.... sa dinami dami ba naman ng mga corrupt officials, bakit si erap lang ang nasa kulungan? Hay naku... Tanggalin na kaya lahat ng mga opisyal at hanapina ng Justice League nang matapos ang kaguluhan.

Dalawang mensahe mula sa aking celfone ang nagpatigil sa akin..
-Mula kay Roland na kararating lamang ng bahay at kakain pa. Naikuwento niya rin na katabi niya si Dildo girl sa jeep. hahaha. ang malas nga naman.
-Si Debbie, na ipinaalam sa akin na naisend na niya sa aking email ang EDP lesson.

Saglit akong natawa sa mga mensahe. Nakakatuwa nga naman din ang mga cellphone. Ang Pilipinas nga raw ang Texting Capital of the World. matatawag ba itong compliment? Ang mga Pilipino nga naman kasi mahilig mag send ng mga kung anu-anong message sa mga kaibigan, classmate, kagalitan o di kaya'y sa mga kasintahan. Unlimited text, unlimited call, saan ka pa?

Sandali... may nakikita akong gumagalaw... papunta sa pintuan... maliit siya... nakakadiri... nais kong sumigaw ngunit pinigilan ko... kumuha ako ng tsinelas... dahan dahan akong lumapit... 1... 2... 3... BOOSGHHH!... PATAY ANG IPIS!

Sa wakas nakaganti rin ako sa asungot na yun. Isang matagumpay na halakhak ang naipamalas ko. Para tuloy akong si Alma Concepcion sa pelikulang "Patayin sa sindak si Barbara".

Bakit nga ba nilikha ang mga ipis? Nakakatulong ba sila sa lipunan o sa environment? O nagpaparumi lamang sila nito? Hindi ko alam ang kasaysayan ng mga ipis kaya't hindi ko sila ipapahamak ng grabe. Ang alam ko lang ay nakatutuwa silang patayin gamit ang tsinelas.

Ilang minuto na nga bang lumilipad ang aking isipan? Marahil isang oras o mahigit pa. Ngunit wala pa rin akong librong nababasa.

para sa mga fans ni inday.. ^-^

"I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why,for some reasons, has my emptiness made itself manifests, extending tothat niche where I was given life and growth, that because ofausterity I was made separated from..."

- Inday... hindi makatulog dahil nahohomesick

"I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber, though thedownpour of rain should've made it easy. This exuberant emotional glueI have for you, cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of whatI feel for you is inevitable. This isn't platonic. It's real, trueromance."

- Inday, nageemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si Dodong,ang boyfriend niya


"The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation.The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have somerules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other becausethe upper household dismissed my petition!"

- ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ngkapitbahay)

- - - -Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda.. o nga pla inglesira ka... wouldyou please purchase many fishes for our this week's meals?

Inday: Judging from your statement I believe you meant a variety offish. The term "fishes", although rarely and even erroneously used,connotes a plethora or an array of different kinds of theaforementioned gilled creatures. But the more pressing questionsbefore I traveresed the road to the wet market would be: What certaintype of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or just right smack the day'scatch? (Pauses) Aaah... by manner of careful extrapolation, given themeager budget in this houshold's quasi-peasant middle class taste, Iassume then I will source the staple "galewng-gowng". Am I correct?

Amo: Leche!

Inday: You meant the freshwater milkfish? Then the "ba-ngooz" is it!- - - -

"La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar.Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avidodiario por favor?

- si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo saEspaña*Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar serve with milagrosarice (red avriety) and apricot sauce*Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin oliveolive*Lychee and peach salad with sour cream cheese topped with lemonzests

- baon ni Junior sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday

"Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just landed on my cutie top? I meanI've spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I'llhave this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!"

- reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habangnagluluto ng tilapia

"Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipinodelicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristalticprocess of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods,the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in themarket."

- banat ni Inday kung bakit walang "kangkong" sa nilutongsinigang

"Heavy fire that exerted by the stimulus affect the best conductor ofheat which is the steel, causing the "oriza sativa" which is thescientific name of rice to change its state of color, smell as well asthe taste."

- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunogang sinaing"Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to suchunabashed display of vagrant destitution!"

- si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate... (Taraytalaga ni Inday!)

"Allergens triggered the immune response. Eosinophilic migrationoccurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic andanaphylotoxin including histamine and prostaglandins. These substanceresults to increase circulation to the site promoting redness."

- sagot ni inday nun tanungin ni sir kung bakit may rashes siJunior

- - - -Amo: Day! Bakit may bukol si Junior?!

Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-wellengineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected theboy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditoryorgan.

Amo: (Di nakareact)- - - -

"Dear Mom,

Had it not been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed momentago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the headaccident he had? As if it wasn't enough, he was summoned by theprincipal of his shabily run academe. Oh such an erudite bunch ofbaboons! I never lot being a governess can be such a strenuousemploy.

Your daughter,Inday

"Dear Inday,

Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital nanay mo, dumugo angilong kababasa ng pesteng sulat mo!

Tatay

- - - -Mister: Bakit tuwing pag-uwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng TV??!!!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing!

- - - -Amo: Inday di ba nanood ka ng The Buzz kahapon? Bkit daw umalis siAngel Locsin sa GMA7?

Inday: Sometimes people choose to leave not because of selfish reasonsbut because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay.Leaving can be a tough act and it's harder when people can'tunderstand you for doing so.- - - -

"Physical stress and excessive work may result to serious damage toone's body. It is therefore essential that once in a while we take abreak from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we oncehad."

- sabi ni Inday sa amo noong humingi siya ng dayoff

- - - -Misis: Inday, bakit mo binenta yung sirang silya?

Inday: I have computed the chair's fair value less cost to sell, andthe value in use using projections for 5 years and a pre-tax discountrate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on Property,Plant, and Equipment, and PAS36 on Impairment of Assets!

Misis: ADIK ka talaga Inday!

girl gone crazy

so, what's new?

have you heard the news about a girl stabbing another girl just because of a certain guy?

well, you probably have heard it. how would somebody miss such tragic event? it spread all over the university in just a minute!

well, let's not dwell upon the story itself, instead let us focus on what are the untold stories behind that. there are a lot of things that puzzles and haunts me even now.

first and foremost, what made Trina (let's give her a name) do such barbaric act? was it because of sudden rush of emotion? was she provoked to do such crime? why was she carrying a "balisong" inside the university? how could the university be so irresponsible in letting a knife inside the campus? can we consider it as pseudo-inspection? has Trina been receiving threats so she brought a knife to protect herself? was it purely self deffense? or was it planned in the very beginning? why would she do it in the university? what has happened to her and to the one stabbed? what would there parents be feeling right now? was it worth the cause?

so many questions, so few answers..

in my own opinion. i would say that everything is mainly stupid. foolishness.
why don't they just resort on something less heavy. they could have just exchanged nasty and cruel words and then pull each others hair to demonstrate hate towards each other. or they could just settle it with peaceful means. they could have talked and made the world so peaceful. but then, nobody thought of it. not even the guy.

why would you kill each other over a guy when you are not even sure he is the one you'll be spending the rest of your life? yes, you could be jealous if he flirts with another, but STABBING? that is sooo foolish. but then again, i could not really blame Trina. maybe there were few factors that led her to do such crime.

really, human beings are so unpredictable. things are not what they seem to be.

i'm loving edp!

well, it's edp time and we're supposed to make a powerpoint presentation about certain stuffs we like. hmmm...

what do i like?

chocolate.chocolate chips.extra large pizza.french fries.sundae.mc flurry.kite.JOHNNY DEPP.my very own FROG PRINCE.the sound of the rain.running under the rain.droplets.rainbows.green.brown.red.11minutes.casava.finster building.my bed.nighttime.walking.talking.talking.talking.and a lot more talking.kiwi bird.mr.chips.green chippy.cookies.BOYS(really now. haha.).coffee.tea.vegies(i'm beginning to love okra, thanks ma!).late night shows.dogs.cats.birds.poems about the famous cockroach.SOCIAL SCIENCE.friendster.blogging.ice cream.adobo.kaldereta.(shit, i'm starving).


well, well, well.. what should i pick? hmmmm... how about a powerpoint presentation about MYSELF?? hahaha.. not an option.

what is on my mind in this very moment..

well, well, well.. i would love to be spontaneous upon certain things.. what exactly am i thinking right now?? hmmm.. A LOT..

i am getting tired right now. i am supposed to make a letter to Mr. Quibod for the reconsideration of our case. Well it's about the issues dealing with the students branded by our Director of Student Affairs as "WANTED". WHO IN THE WORLD WILL EVER WANT HIS/HER FACES POSTED ALL OVER THE UNIVERSITY AS "WANTED"? There are a lot of detrimental effects that would be imposed on the student. firstly is the psychological effect. it is degrading you as a person and making you an object of humiliation all over the university. human rights? if our dear Director would want to notify those students, why didn't he make just call them via FYCF facilitator or give them a letter? i don't see the real essence of posting there faces on the "WANTED" list as if they are fugitives! Have you seen a minor interviewed on television showing there faces? i don't think so.

ENOUGH OF THAT. i am tired already.

what else?? hmm.. i have been viewing some friendster profiles for an hour or so. and guess what i found is somehow very common among them?

EMO.

i won't say that i despise them or something like that. i just see it more of a fad than a state of mind. really. what is the essence of showing the whole world your black aura, with black fingernails with that specific hairstyle (for boys), and that unmistakably black make up especially on the eyes? there are even some people who would cut there own flesh signifying there BEING EMO.
honestly, i am disturbed by that. mostly, everyone is into that "fad".
anyway let me move on before i make another statement.

hmmm... i am hungry right now. i have eaten the whole day but my fat tummy is still craving for more. yeah that is what Krit, john and i call "CED" or the COMPULSIVE EATING DISORDER.
we are suffering so much from that, so please, if you can just give us some tips on how to control, don't hesitate to message me. ^-^ i appreciate it so much.

i am confused. oh my gawd.

i am listening to the songs of regine velasquez right now. graveh. makabuang. i wish i could sing that well. hahaha. talking about singing, do you know that i once dreamt of being a rockstar? hahahaha. very funny. well, its for real.

isang araw kasama sina Deb, John at Roland.. ^-^

paano nga ba sisimulan ang kwentong ito?

hmmm... well, debbie, john and me were FORCED by our dear classmate Roland Umanan to teach him aerobics for P.E. class. Well, the three of us were just so so generous that we decided to share some of our knowledge and capabilities to the god-forsaken human being namely Roland..

anyway, we had fun though. FOOD, FOOD AND A LOT OF THEM! salamat sa fiesta ng santo na nakalimutan ko ang pangalan. hmmm.. well, for the first time naging mahiyain kami to get food (well, it was just for a couple of minutes) BUT THEN, kumain na talaga kami! hahaha.. just hush, pero deb and john went for a second round to satisfy their tummy. hahaha.. well as for me, my conscience played a big role that time so i decided not to have a second round. i am so proud of myself. ^-^

hmmm.. it was a sweaty afternoon, i could say. aerobics isn't really my type, but then i had fun. I was laughing all the time. who wouldn't laugh at someone who is trying to move his ass just to get it right? haha. roland, you are so dragging your left foot (epekto sa fancy drill). too bad. ^-^

i would certainly say that the journey along the diversion road, the jungle and the overpass without a roof is somehow the highlight of everything. ^-^we were so vain, actually it roland started everything, that WE TOOK PICTURES ALONG THE DIVERSION ROAD! bloody hell, we almost got ourselves killed and even scared by a filthy dog. mmhmm... it was exciting though. ^-^ feel the rush. hahaha. we went into a bizarre place where animals of some sort were present. hopefuly there was no snake or any deadly shits. and so we labeled the place as "The Jungle". ^-^ We passed by SPED, the alma matter of roland. I wonder how he felt that time..^-^

moving on, we finally saw the highway.

But before that, we had a spectacular moment on the overpass. hahaha. it felt really good. just being there, watch the busy street filled with lights, feel the wind creeping all over your body and having wonderful friends beside you. ^-^

I would never exchange that day for anything on earth. ^-^

at last.. ^-^

after feeling a need of expressing what i would like to say (without being heard.. haha), being NAGGED BY JOHN to make a blog, after burning my diary (because somebody just read it!), wanting to be in front of the monitor for a few minutes, not wanting to eat (i am super duper starting to be fat, I AM! shit.), and just give my fingers a few more exercise on typing, i finally made my very own blog. ^-^

WHAT TO EXPECT:

first and foremost, don't expect this blog to be very intellectual, because, i daresay, it would only disappoint you to the highest level. see? i'm not that good. haha.

second, this would be full of shit. really. i do not intend to satisfy all your wants. I JUST NEED TO WRITE(or type) MY LIFE! hahaha.

third, it would simply be about me.my friends.family.bears.flowers.ocean.rain.raindrops.home.leaves.foods.foods.and alot more food.my most drastic moment.my saintly moments.greatest downfall.rising once more.ME.

fourth, expect this to be INTERESTING. ^-^ i am quite an interesting person to deal with. i have a lot of personalities that i am proud of. haha. even my most evil moment.

fifth, uhmmm...

sixth, puhleeeaase.... just go on..

sevent, oh! you don't need a hanky for this blog. not for the tears and not for the blood that might spill out of your nose.

eighth, uhmmmm... what else?

ninth, okay lets STOP at that. ^-^



ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:

to john patrick allanegui, debbie laburada, krizza gahuman, migel estoque, jon lora... i love you all!

sa gumawa ng website na ito, salamat. sa mga inspirasyon ko sa buhay, sa aking diyos, sa aking ina na siyang gumagabay sa aking paglaki, sa smart, sa alltext 20, sa bio lab, sa aking katiting na katalinuhan, sa filipino (na binigyan ako ng 79.6), sa PE at sa math (na binigyan ako ng 100), kay sir betonio (na laging kalmado), kay maam Calio ("anak, pray lang tayo"), sa makulay na buhay ni sir sabado, kay sir lunar (pasensya po at lagi akong late sa klase nyo), kay sir harry na laging may "word of god", sa 6630 na celfone(2years na kami!), sa monitor, sa keyboard, sa mouse, sa ilaw (na unti-unting dumidilim) , sa upuan ko ngayon, sa pagkaing ayaw ko tingnan, sa MWF na nagpapasaya sa akin, sa washday, kay roland na inaaway ko, sa aking mga daliri (na pinipilit kong mag type), sa aking mga kaaway (tandaang mahal ko kayo), at pinakahuli (but not the least) ay si FROG PRINCE. maraming salamat! kundi dahil sa inyo ay hindi ito magiging isang TAGUMPAY.